Maybe one of the best emails yet?

I get a lot of unusual emails each day. Typically, offerings of alternative theories of the universe with requests/demands to review them (sorry – please send them to a journal), discoveries of remarkable forms of energy saving or propulsion systems (People, I have my own crazy sh*t to work on – don’t ask me to work on yours too), offers of marriage and/or marriage-related things (Ladies (and, yes, some Gents), no thanks, I’m just fine.), and so on and so forth. But yesterday’s email is up there among the recent highlights. It was sent out to an anonymous group, so I have no problem sharing it here (I have removed the name of the sender):

Subject: Request
Date: Tue, 04 Jun 2013 21:11:16 -0800
From: ****
To: undisclosed-recipients: ;

Dear Professor,

I am ****, PhD researcher in aerospace engineering. I am so interested my future wife being an assistant professor or instructor at university. Could you kindly let me know if you know a young beauty lady in your research team or other Labs who might be interested to get familiar with me toward long relationship and marriage? I am a young man 34 years old.

It is my pleasure to provide you any information you need.

I apologize to take your time to consider my request and thanks a lot in advance for your response.

Best Regards,

****

Awesome. Now I’m being called upon to be a matchmaker as well? It is an impressively bold approach to online dating, I’ll admit, but, er…. No. Sorry, ****, but I can’t do that. Not because I’m keeping all the “young beauty lady” academics to myself, but for a host of reasons starting with me not knowing you, and going on from there.

Good luck in your search!

-cvj